Sitting with your feelings

turns out it doesn't mean just sitting there

It was today that I learned that when therapists, gurus and well-meaning friends tell you to “sit with your feelings” they don’t mean literally.

My spicy brain has had me thinking for, well thirty one years, that what I needed to do in order to do this was to sit down and quite literally sit there with my feelings.

And, then I was scrolling reels and I saw a video that explained that what people actually mean by this is that you should go about your normal activities but just accept the feeling you’re having and don’t try to rush yourself to not feel it.

I’m slightly disappointed if I’m honest. I kind of figured if I could learn how to sit with my feelings then my anxiety wouldn’t have such a choke hold over me.

However, turns out I’m pretty close to sitting with my feelings already and surprise: it has not made them have any less impact.

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It’s three am and I’m currently sat at my desk at work (ahem). It’s my last ever shift before I begin my unemployed adventure.

I had expected at this point to feel incredibly excited and I do to a certain extent. However, life has thrown me multiple curve balls in the lead up to finishing my employment and I have to say it has made me feel a little like the universe is screaming at me to abort my mission.

I’ve had mortgages fall through, land registry issues (at a different address to the mortgage issue!!), my car broke down and is unfix able, a bathroom pipe spontaneously started heavily leaking water and some other personal health issues have cropped up too.

It’s been an intense two weeks and I’ve cried a lot.

I’ve reached the point where I am trying my best to just not think about any of the issues. This may sound irresponsible but I’ve reached a point where I’ve done everything in my control to fix all of these unexpected issues and all I can do now is wait.

I’ve been repeating over and over again:

THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

DON’T WORRY ABOUT THINGS YOU CAN’T CONTROL

YOU ARE NOT YOUR ANXIETY

BREATHE, YOU ARE OK

I’m a few hours away from finishing my job, my belongings are long gone and I don’t have a house to live in so it’s a bit late to change my mind or pump the breaks on. This adventure is happening whether the universe likes it or not.

The only sane thing I can do now is to try and focus on the good. The fact that I’m about to move into my van and take a huge trip around Europe for an undetermined amount of time.

And whilst I might have less income then I’d been expecting to have to do this and slightly more things to juggle whilst gone, I’m also going to have freedom and so much time. To breathe, to relax, to walk, to sleep, to rebuild my currently shattered nervous system… to hopefully bring myself back to a more peaceful space where I can have some more balance with my mental health and a lot more smiling.

Knowing this is not making this period of time any easier. Change is always hard, and scary and so are many life problems that we all face at one point or another. I’m not sure why I needed to deal with them all in the same calendar month but clearly I’ve pissed someone off in another life.

I’m drinking a sh*t ton of peppermint tea and doing a lot of meditation. It isn’t fixing anything but all I can do is keep trying. Keep breathing. Keep ticking things off my to do list. Keep trying to redirect the anxious thoughts.

Speak soon,

Saph xxx